Finding the right words after someone dies is one of the hardest things we're asked to do as human beings. You want to offer comfort, but you're terrified of saying the wrong thing. You want to reach out, but your mind goes blank the moment you pick up the phone or open a text message. If you've ever stared at a blinking cursor wondering what to say when someone dies, you are not alone — and the fact that you care enough to search for the right words already says something meaningful about your heart.

The truth is, there are no perfect words. Grief doesn't follow a script, and neither should your condolences. But there are words that help, words that hurt, and thoughtful gestures — like lighting a remembrance candle — that can say what language sometimes cannot. This guide offers more than 75 example messages for every situation, along with practical advice on what to text, what to say in person, and what to avoid entirely.

Why Your Words Matter More Than You Think

People in grief often say they don't remember the specific words someone used — but they remember who showed up. They remember who sent the message, who made the call, who refused to let the silence win. When you're deciding what to say when someone dies, understand that your presence and sincerity matter far more than eloquence.

A short, honest message beats a long, polished one that feels impersonal. The bereaved person doesn't need you to fix their pain. They need to know you see it, you acknowledge it, and you're not afraid to sit beside it with them.

Keep these principles in mind as you choose your words:

  • Be specific. Mention the person who died by name when you can.
  • Be honest. If you don't know what to say, say that.
  • Be brief. Especially in texts and cards, less is usually more.
  • Be available. Offer concrete help rather than open-ended offers.
  • Be patient. Grief doesn't end after the funeral. Follow up weeks and months later.

General Condolence Messages for Any Loss

These versatile messages work for most situations when you need to express sympathy quickly and sincerely. Use them in cards, texts, or conversations when you want to say something heartfelt.

  • "I'm so sorry for your loss. [Name] was a truly special person, and I'm holding you close in my thoughts."
  • "There are no words that feel big enough right now. Just know that I love you and I'm here."
  • "I was heartbroken to hear about [Name]. Please know you don't have to go through this alone."
  • "Thinking of you and your family during this incredibly difficult time."
  • "[Name] left a mark on everyone who knew them. I'm so grateful I got to be one of those people."
  • "I wish I had the right words. Just know I care deeply and I'm only a phone call away."
  • "Sending you all my love. I'll be checking in on you — not because I expect you to respond, but because I want you to know I'm thinking of you."
  • "My heart aches for you. [Name] was loved by so many, and that love doesn't end here."
  • "I don't know what to say, but I didn't want my silence to feel like I don't care. I care so much."
  • "You and your family are in my heart. I'm here for whatever you need — today and in the weeks ahead."

Sometimes a meaningful gesture can accompany your message and provide lasting comfort. Many people find that sending a remembrance candle alongside their condolences gives the bereaved something tangible to hold onto — a quiet, warm light during the darkest days.

What to Say When Someone Loses a Parent

Losing a mother or father reshapes a person's entire world, regardless of their age. The bond between parent and child is primal, and your message should honor the depth of that relationship without minimizing it.

  • "I'm so sorry about your mom/dad. The love between you was something really beautiful to witness."
  • "Your mother/father raised an incredible person. That's a legacy that will never fade."
  • "I know how close you were to your dad/mom. I can only imagine how much your heart is hurting right now."
  • "There's no timeline for grieving a parent. I'll be here for you through every stage of this."
  • "Your mom/dad was so proud of you — anyone could see it. Hold onto that."
  • "I have such fond memories of your father/mother. I'd love to share them with you whenever you're ready."
  • "Losing a parent changes everything. I won't pretend to understand exactly what you're feeling, but I'm here to listen whenever you need to talk."
  • "Your mother/father's kindness touched so many lives. That kind of goodness echoes forever."
  • "I remember when your dad/mom [specific memory]. That's the kind of person they were, and the world was better for it."
  • "No matter how old we are, we never stop needing our parents. I'm so sorry you're facing this loss."

If you're also looking for ways to honor their parent at a memorial, consider reading through some funeral poems that might resonate with the family's experience.

What to Say When Someone Loses a Spouse or Partner

The death of a spouse or life partner is often described as losing half of yourself. Tread gently here. The bereaved is facing not only grief but a complete restructuring of daily life, identity, and future plans.

  • "I'm so deeply sorry. The love you and [Name] shared was the kind most people only dream about."
  • "[Name] was your person, and no words can touch that kind of loss. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."
  • "I can't imagine your world without [Name] in it. I'm holding you in my heart."
  • "You gave [Name] a beautiful life together. That love story doesn't end — it just changes shape."
  • "I know the days ahead will be overwhelming. I'm going to bring dinner on Thursday — you don't need to do anything but open the door."
  • "[Name] always talked about you with such love. You were their greatest joy."
  • "You don't have to be strong right now. You just have to breathe, and I'll be here while you do."
  • "The way you cared for [Name] was extraordinary. Let us care for you now."
  • "I'll never forget the way [Name] looked at you. That kind of love is rare and real."
  • "There is no rushing this grief. I promise to keep showing up, even when others move on."

What to Say When Someone Loses a Child

This is the loss people fear the most, and it is the hardest to find words for. The death of a child — at any age, including miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of an adult child — defies the natural order. Above all else, do not try to find a silver lining. There isn't one. Simply be present and let your words acknowledge the enormity of their pain.

  • "I am so, so sorry. No parent should ever have to face this. My heart is completely broken for you."
  • "[Child's name] was a light in this world, and nothing will ever change that."
  • "I won't pretend to understand this pain. I just want you to know that I am here, and I will say [Child's name] as many times as you need to hear it."
  • "There are no words. Only love. And I have so much of it for you and your family right now."
  • "[Child's name] was so loved. By you, by all of us. That love is permanent."
  • "I will never forget [Child's name]. Please don't ever feel like you need to stop talking about them around me."
  • "You were — and always will be — [Child's name]'s parent. Nothing changes that. Nothing."
  • "I'm not going to ask how you're doing. I'm just going to show up. I'll be there on Saturday."
  • "The world lost someone irreplaceable. I'm so sorry this is your reality."

What to Say When a Friend Loses a Friend

The grief of losing a close friend is sometimes overlooked by society, but it is real and profound. Friends are the family we choose, and that loss deserves the same acknowledgment.

  • "I know [Name] was more than a friend to you — they were family. I'm so sorry."
  • "The friendship you and [Name] had was something really special. I know your heart is heavy."
  • "I'm sorry about [Name]. You don't have to explain your grief to anyone. What you're feeling is valid."
  • "[Name] was lucky to have a friend like you. That kind of loyalty and love is rare."
  • "I know people might not fully understand this loss, but I do. You lost someone who truly mattered."
  • "Losing a best friend is losing a piece of your history. I'm so sorry."
  • "You gave [Name] so many good years of friendship. That mattered more than you know."

What to Say When a Coworker Dies

The death of a colleague can hit harder than people expect. You spend more waking hours with coworkers than almost anyone else, and the empty desk or missing name on a meeting invite can trigger real grief. If you're navigating this specific kind of loss, our guide on coping with the loss of a coworker offers deeper support.

  • "I'm so saddened to hear about [Name]. They made our workplace better just by being in it."
  • "[Name] was more than a colleague to me. I'll miss their laugh in the hallway, their kindness, and their dedication."
  • "Our team won't be the same without [Name]. I'm thinking of their family and everyone who loved them."
  • "I didn't know [Name] as long as some of you, but the impact they made on me was real. I'm truly sorry."
  • "If anyone needs to talk or take a break today, I'm here. This is a loss we're all carrying together."
  • "[Name] always went out of their way to help others on the team. That generosity was who they were."
  • "I want to make sure [Name]'s family knows how respected and loved they were here."

What to Say When Someone Loses a Pet

For many people, a pet is a family member in every meaningful sense. Never dismiss or minimize pet loss. The grief is real, the absence is felt in every corner of their home, and your compassion will be deeply appreciated.

  • "I'm so sorry about [Pet's name]. The bond you shared was real and beautiful."
  • "[Pet's name] had the best life because they had you. That's the truth."
  • "I know your home feels so much emptier right now. I'm thinking of you."
  • "[Pet's name] wasn't just a pet — they were your companion, your comfort, your family. I'm so sorry."
  • "Grief for a pet is grief, full stop. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm here for you."
  • "I'll never forget how [Pet's name] used to [specific behavior]. What a character."
  • "You gave [Pet's name] a life full of love. That's the greatest gift any of us can give."

What to Say After a Sudden or Unexpected Death

When death comes without warning — through accident, medical emergency, violence, or suicide — the shock can be as devastating as the loss itself. The bereaved may be in a state of disbelief. Your words should gently acknowledge the unfairness and chaos of the situation without prying for details.

  • "I'm in shock. I can't imagine what you're going through right now. I am so, so sorry."
  • "This is so unfair. There's nothing I can say to make this make sense, because it doesn't. But I'm here."
  • "I just heard about [Name]. I don't have words — just tears and love for you."
  • "You shouldn't have to be dealing with this. I want to help take some of the weight off you. Can I handle [specific task] for you?"
  • "The world changed in an instant for you, and I'm so sorry. You don't have to process this alone."
  • "I know there are a million things to figure out right now. Let me help. I can make phone calls, bring food, or just sit with you."
  • "No one is prepared for something like this. Please let the people who love you hold you up right now."

What to Say After a Death Following a Long Illness

When someone dies after a prolonged illness, the grief is complicated. The bereaved may feel relief, guilt about that relief, exhaustion from caregiving, and a strange emptiness now that the fight is over. Avoid saying "at least they're not suffering anymore" — even if it's true, it's not your place to frame their grief.

  • "I know this has been a long, exhausting road. I'm sorry it ended this way, and I'm sorry for everything you went through getting here."
  • "You cared for [Name] with such incredible strength and devotion. I hope you know how much that meant to them."
  • "Whatever you're feeling right now is okay. All of it. There's no right way to feel after what you've been through."
  • "[Name] fought so hard, and so did you. You both deserve rest now."
  • "I watched you show up for [Name] every single day. That kind of love is extraordinary."
  • "The end of a long illness doesn't mean the end of grief. I know this is just the beginning of a new kind of hard. I'm here for that, too."
  • "You were [Name]'s greatest advocate. They were so lucky to have you in their corner."

If the family is planning a service and wants to make it deeply personal, our guide on how to personalize a funeral service can help them create something truly meaningful.

What to Text When Someone Dies

Texting condolences might feel too casual, but in reality, it's often the most considerate medium. A text doesn't demand an immediate response. It doesn't interrupt. It sits quietly in someone's phone, waiting for them when they're ready. Here's how to do it well.

Tips for Texting Your Condolences

  • Don't overthink it. A short, sincere text is better than no message at all.
  • Don't expect a reply. Say so explicitly: "No need to respond to this."
  • Avoid texting "How are you?" They're not okay. You already know the answer.
  • Offer something specific. Instead of "Let me know if you need anything," try "I'm dropping off groceries on Tuesday."
  • Follow up later. Send another text two weeks later, a month later, three months later. Everyone else will have moved on. Be the one who doesn't.

Example Condolence Texts

  • "I just heard about [Name]. I love you and I'm so sorry. No need to respond — just know I'm thinking of you."
  • "Hey. I don't know what to say but I didn't want to say nothing. I'm here. Whenever, however you need."
  • "I'm going to text you every few days. You never have to reply. I just want you to know someone is thinking of you."
  • "I'm so sorry. I'm bringing food over tomorrow around 5. If you're not up for company, I'll leave it at the door."
  • "Thinking about you today. [Name] was wonderful, and you don't deserve this pain."
  • "I set up a meal train for your family. Here's the link. You don't need to organize a single thing."

What to Say in Person at a Funeral or Visitation

Standing in front of a grieving person at a funeral home is one of the most vulnerable moments in social life. Your palms are sweating, the line is moving, and suddenly it's your turn. Here's the good news: you don't need a speech. You just need to be real.

Simple Things to Say at a Funeral

  • "I'm so sorry. I loved [Name] and I'm glad I got to know them."
  • "Thank you for letting me be here. [Name] meant a lot to me."
  • "I don't have the right words, but I wanted you to know I'm here."
  • "You're in my thoughts. [Name] was a wonderful person."
  • "I'll miss [Name]. They always [specific quality or memory]."

What to Do When You Can't Find Any Words

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say in person is nothing at all. A hug, a hand on someone's shoulder, a quiet moment of eye contact with tears in your eyes — these things communicate volumes. If words fail you, don't force them. Simply say, "I'm so sorry," or just hold the person's hand. Your physical presence is its own kind of language.

What NOT to Say When Someone Dies

Even well-intentioned words can cause harm when someone is in the raw early stages of grief. These phrases are common — and almost universally disliked by people who are grieving. Avoid them.

  • "Everything happens for a reason." — This minimizes their pain and imposes meaning on a tragedy that may feel meaningless to them.
  • "They're in a better place." — Unless you know the person's exact spiritual beliefs and they've expressed this sentiment themselves, don't assume.
  • "At least they lived a long life." — The length of a life doesn't reduce the grief of losing someone you love.
  • "I know exactly how you feel." — You don't. Even if you've experienced a similar loss, their grief is uniquely theirs.
  • "You need to be strong." — This tells a grieving person that their pain is inconvenient. Let them fall apart.
  • "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." — This is unhelpful to many people and can feel dismissive of real suffering.
  • "At least they're not suffering anymore." — The bereaved person is suffering right now. Center them, not the deceased.
  • "You'll find someone else" or "You can have another child." — Never, under any circumstances, say this.
  • "How did they die?" — If they want to share the details, they will. Don't ask, especially early on.
  • "Call me if you need anything." — Grieving people rarely call. Offer specific, concrete help instead.

The common thread in all of these is that they try to manage, minimize, or redirect the person's grief. Instead, try to simply be with the grief. Sit in it. Let it be uncomfortable. That's what love looks like in the hardest moments.

Cultural Considerations for Expressing Condolences

Grief is universal, but how we express and receive condolences varies significantly across cultures and religions. Taking a few moments to understand the bereaved person's cultural background is an important act of respect.

Jewish Traditions

The traditional phrase is "May their memory be a blessing" (or in Hebrew, zichrono/zichronah livracha). During shiva — the seven-day mourning period — visitors should follow the mourner's lead. In Jewish tradition, it's customary to let the mourner initiate conversation rather than launching into words of comfort. Bringing food to a shiva home is welcomed and expected.

Islamic Traditions

A common phrase is "Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un" — "To God we belong and to Him we shall return." You may also say, "May Allah grant them mercy and grant you patience." Visiting the family, providing meals, and offering prayers are important gestures. Be aware that burial typically happens within 24 hours.

Hindu Traditions

You might say "Om Shanti" (peace) or express hope for the soul's journey. Visiting the family during the mourning period (typically 13 days) is customary. White is the traditional color of mourning, not black. Bringing flowers or fruit to the home is appropriate.

Buddhist Traditions

Express condolences with calm and compassion. You might say, "May they find peace." Buddhist funerals emphasize the impermanence of life, and words of comfort often reflect this philosophy. Offering to assist with funeral preparations or bringing food is appreciated.

Christian Traditions

Common phrases include "They are with the Lord now" or "Praying for you and your family." However, be mindful that not all Christians hold the same beliefs about the afterlife. Sympathy cards, flowers, and food are traditional gestures. Attending the funeral or memorial service is considered important.

Secular and Non-Religious Approaches

Focus on celebrating the person's life and impact rather than referencing an afterlife. Phrases like "Their legacy lives on" or "They made the world better" resonate well. Focus on shared memories and the concrete ways the person mattered.

A general rule: When in doubt, keep your message simple, sincere, and free of religious assumptions unless you know the person's beliefs well. "I'm so sorry for your loss" is universally appropriate.

Going Beyond Words: Meaningful Gestures of Sympathy

Sometimes the most comforting thing you can do isn't something you say — it's something you do. Words of sympathy are important, but pairing them with a thoughtful action creates a support that the bereaved person will remember for years.

  • Send a meal (or organize a meal train) — Grieving people often forget to eat or can't summon the energy to cook.
  • Handle a specific task — Offer to walk the dog, pick up kids from school, mow the lawn, or make phone calls to notify people.
  • Send a handwritten note — In a digital world, a physical card or letter carries extra weight.
  • Share a memory — Write down a specific, detailed story about the person who died. These become treasured keepsakes.
  • Light a remembrance candle — A remembrance candle provides a gentle, lasting symbol of the light their loved one brought into the world. At just $12, it's a small gesture that carries enormous meaning — far more personal than flowers that will wilt within a week.
  • Give a meaningful gift — For more ideas, our guide to thoughtful sympathy gift ideas can help you choose something that truly resonates.
  • Show up later — The funeral is surrounded by support. Three weeks later, the house is empty and the grief has deepened. Be the person who shows up in week three, month two, and beyond.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it okay to send condolences by text message?

Yes, absolutely. Texting condolences is not only acceptable — it's often preferred. A text doesn't demand an immediate response and gives the grieving person space to process. The most important thing is that you reach out at all. A heartfelt text is infinitely better than saying nothing because you were worried about the medium. Just keep it sincere, mention the deceased by name if appropriate, and explicitly say that no reply is needed.

What should I say if I didn't know the person who died?

You can still offer meaningful support even if you never met the deceased. Focus your words on the living person and their pain: "I can see how much they meant to you, and I'm so sorry you're going through this." You can also say, "I wish I had known them — from everything you've shared, they sound like a remarkable person." Your relationship is with the grieving person, and that's reason enough to show up with compassion.

How long after someone dies is it appropriate to send condolences?

There is no expiration date on compassion. While reaching out within the first week is ideal, a message sent weeks or even months later is still welcome — and often more meaningful because the initial wave of support has usually faded. You might say, "I know it's been a while, but I've been thinking about you and [Name]. I wanted you to know they're still remembered." Late condolences are always better than no condolences.

What do I say when someone dies and I'm not close to the person who's grieving?

Keep it simple and respectful. "I was sorry to hear about your loss. Please know you're in my thoughts." You don't need to pretend to a closeness that isn't there, and you shouldn't try to force emotional intimacy in a sympathy message. A brief, genuine acknowledgment of their loss is appropriate and appreciated. For a coworker or acquaintance, this level of warmth is both sufficient and kind.

Should I bring up the death or wait for the grieving person to mention it?

Bring it up. This is one of the most common mistakes people make — avoiding the topic because they're afraid of "reminding" the person of their loss. The bereaved person has not forgotten. They are thinking about it every waking moment. Your silence doesn't protect them; it isolates them. Simply saying, "I've been thinking about you since [Name] died. How are you doing today?" gives them permission to share their grief — or to simply say "thank you" and move on. Either way, you've shown them they're not invisible.

Finding the right words when someone dies will never be easy, and that's as it should be — death is not something we're meant to be comfortable with. But showing up imperfectly, with honest words and a willing heart, is one of the most generous things you can do for another human being. Whether you send a text, write a card, say a few halting words at a funeral, or light a remembrance candle to honor someone's memory, what matters is that you didn't look away. You stepped toward the pain. And that, more than any perfect sentence, is what the grieving will remember.